Hey folks, Marky D here, host of The Massholes, Boston’s official cable access home for sports and etceteras. You can catch our fine program every Tuesday night before Sully has to go to supper where we talk about the Pats, the C’s, the B’s, even the god-awful Sox (God Bless Jason Varitek!), pretty much whatever sport you want. Except Soccer, Sully says as I type this, the game’s worldwide popularity simply baffles him.
This week it’s all about the greatest game on God’s green Earth, the sport of Kings, the game of War, the hallowed tradition holding such names as Flutie, Bruschi, Bledsoe, Steve Nelson and Steve Grogan, Chris Slade and Willie McGinest… uh, sorry, got a little distracted there. Anyway, this Thursday night kicks off in live and real time the 2015 NFL season as our hometown boys take on Rapelisberger and his Steelers minus starting running back Le’Veon Bell. This, of course, is great news for my fantasy team as I drafted Bell #1 overall and would have faced a serious moral dilemma about starting him and jinxing the boys in Tommy’s big return game. I tried to tell Sully during the draft that he was being a super homer and that he could not take Troy Brown in the sixth round. He said it was a steal. Freakin knucklehead.
So how will you be taking in this Thursday evening’s festivities? I myself will be absorbing a pitcher of Sam Adams through my facial cavities at the Lower Mills Pub with Sully, Jill, and maybe Matty Fitz if he can get off work in time. I think everyone here is expecting big things from the boys this year, what with the burning, itching fire of VD Goodell lighting up everyone’s nuts. On a side note, I have officially tweeted “DEEZ NUTS” to commissioner Roger Goddell 37 times and counting. Why he has not blocked me is still a mystery to me.
Though Revis was a welcome addition last year, no one thought he was gonna retire here. We all knew in our pessimistic little hearts that he was headed back at some point to the Just End Their Season crew. The real loss this offseason was the big man in the middle of the defense. Sad to see Vinnie go, but if you ain’t seen the pictures of him in farmer’s overalls check our Twitter feed @Massholes617781. We had to add in the 781 because even though Sully likes to claim that he’s from Boston proper he’s actually from Braintree. (“Brainers for life!” yells Sully.)
Everyone’s wondering why we would sign Reggie Wayne, give him half a million bucks, then cut him a week later. I say the guy’s a scam artist who wooed Coach Belichick with the “I’m just a veteran receiver who can be great in the right system” line of courtship that he seems to fall prey to on a seasonally basis.
Hmm, what else… oh yeah: we were talking about Gimpell’s general suckiness in the bar the other night and some loser tried to bring up Spygate and the report from this week’s ESPN Magazine article. I punched that guy right in the freakin teeth.
Anyway, the reason I’ve been asked to guest star for this column is to make my five bold predictions for the World Champion Patriots this season. Hell, if Matthew Berry’s bald ass can make wild calls, so can I. So without furthering a do…
1- I predict that God’s gift to the sport, Tommy Terrific throws more than 650 passes on the season, posting an attempts/game average of more than 40 for the first time in his career. In recent years he’s set career highs with 39.8 in 2012 and 39.2 in 2013. He dipped back down to 36.4 last season but I predict he plays long into many games, grinding an axe intended for Baddell on the backs of opposing defenses.
2- Though he will be the #1 QB in fantasy, when Andrew Luck faces the Pats he will have a completion percentage somewhere south of my high school Biology grade (which I did not pass).
3- After years of NFL irrelevancy Danny Amendola will have his highest reception total on a season since joining the Pats with 55+.
4- Brandon Bolden will have two TD’s in Thursday’s Gm 1. Just got a feeling.
5- Gronk and Scott Chandler will become the most dynamic TE duo since Gronk and… that freakin moron who went to prison. They won’t reach the 2011 tandem-TD mark of 24 but I predict 16-18 TD catches between the two big men.
Bonus- I want Chandler Jones to have 15 sacks. I can’t really call that one a prediction so much as my #1 Christmas gift.
Well folks, that’s all I got for now. Be sure to tune in every Tuesday night, if you’re within a 10-mile radius of Sully’s basement. And if you’re up for it join us at the bar for this Thursday’s game (or any game really) where Fitz has this wicked drinking challenge involving Jager, tabasco, and fifteen hard-boiled eggs. Should be pissah.
Want The Massholes to be carried on JPLimeProductions.com? Write to those guys and tell them! They seem to think no one wants to see a cable access show with two idiots from Savin Hill but I beg to differ. Boston sports diehards NEED a place to discuss all their gripes, praises, and what-have-you’s and who better to give you the in-depth coverages of the Beantown sports world? Felger and Mazz? Those two goons wouldn’t know Larry Legend from Larry Izzo. And Sully says he heard from a guy that Felger is a closet Jets fan who puts on his Mark Sanchez jersey late at night and dances around his living room to Barbara Streisand.
The Massholes broadcasts every Tuesday night on Dorchester Cable Access from Sully’s basement.