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On the Eve of My 34th

profile pic for lifeOn the eve of my 34th birthday I sit on my porch with pipe and pint scratching into a small black notebook observations about myself and what I know of the world around me.

I am consumed by my desire for family and children but have a hard time reconciling that against my lack of professional success and the visions I have for my children’s future.

Conversely, I have made the best decision of my life in choosing my Queen and my confidence in that choice provides stability for the rest of my life.

I still like to explore the Universe and imagine I will continue to do so regularly throughout my life.

And while I remain unsure of just want I do believe in many spiritual realms I know I believe in the Universe, its power, its unending force and mystery.

The older I get the more I realize how much I don’t know, that there is infinitely more knowledge, truth, and beauty than I can actually understand, hidden in corners, small places, and unexpected locations all across our existence. This brings me great joy.

And then I wonder, have I left the sophomore period of my life or am I still in the middle of it, “the wise fool”, continuously believing I know more than I do?

I’m finally going gray but slowly and in a distinguished manner so that’s cool.

I love music. Perhaps more than any other time in my life thus far I feel its power and yearn for what I have not heard. I become taken with a particular song or band, often for days at a time until it works its way out of my system like a bead of sweat. It’s something my soul cries out for and I am glad the well that is classic rock (other genres too, but that’s the home base) has a seemingly unending supply to nurture me.

Update: Uncle Sam, that's who I am...
Update: Uncle Sam, that’s who I am…

I am excited for my new tattoo tomorrow and think it is an excellent tradition I have set for myself (now three years running). How long will it continue I wonder? I am not a heavily tattoo’d individual (yet), currently at a total of four but if I were to continue until my death at the ripe old age of 88 I would have 58 tattoos and that’s something I don’t really picture.

I imagine how I will be on the eve of my 35th, married and, Universe-willing, nearly a father. In no year yet has my life changed so rapidly. And yet the changes are ones that I have been planning since I was a child, becoming a husband and Dad, so they don’t feel jarring or even frightening. I eagerly await them.

Change. It’s the only constant, for us as humans and existence as whole. Everything is always moving, always changing from one form to another, always transferring energy into its neighboring molecules, people, and worlds. It is one of the few truths of the universe I have learned thus far and it can be both the scariest and most comforting of concepts.

I am thankful for every person that has ever taken the time to know me because they have, in very meaningful and visceral ways, shaped who I’ve become. Sometimes it can difficult to see the dents people make as they shape you like clay but we impact, continuously and constantly, those around us. It’s important to see the beauty in that.

Beauty is abundant, Truth is rare.

One of the few Truths I know about myself is that I am intended for greatness. But you can’t get where you’re going without being where you’ve been. I can see alternate timeline versions of myself, ones where I’m further along in the areas I currently lag. But those versions aren’t me because somewhere along the way something in my life had to be changed for them to exist, something important and formative perhaps, or something small and yet still formative.  And despite my missteps I have never not believed that central Truth about myself.

There are so many wonderful, beautiful, exciting, surprising things in this world and I know that currently, on the Eve of my 34th, I am experiencing ghastly few of them, far fewer than other times in my life, be they sights, experience, places, people, or simple moments of life. I will soon change this.

I love my Family, each and every one of them. They are indeed strange and crazy, but there’s never been a moment when they weren’t the most important people in my life and I in theirs. And my Family keeps on growing.

Writing, putting pen to pad, has been one of the most reliable constants in my life since I was 12 years old and whether I am able to make a living of it or not it will always be my life’s work.

Though I have made my share of mistakes and missteps (there’s a difference) I find myself more confident in who I am, what I like, what I want, the way I present myself than ever before. I know that comes with age but for someone who began life somewhat shy and unsure (especially in those awful middle school years) I am encouraged that I am growing into someone that not everyone will like but I sure as hell would hang out with.

Find more in the as-yet-unwritten work, The Tao Te Prof: A Work in Constant Progress.

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